A brief history of time in a 2022 festive rhyme

Twas the week before Christmas as another year approached its dusk

With staff in the halls of Twitter trying to avoid eye contact with Elon Musk.

The invasion of Ukraine that the Russians thought would be a breeze

Left much death and devastation but Zelensky far from on his knees.

Wheat prices surged and oil prices spiked and food and energy cost so much more

And central banks ramped up their hawkishness as inflation began to soar.

Interest rates went stratospheric and QE reversed into quantitative tightening

And the impact on the markets, for most, was nothing short of frightening.

The S&P’s value fell by a quarter and the NASDAQ index tumbled by a third

As investors scorned risky assets and stampeded to the dollar as a herd.

Emerging markets weren’t spared the fallout and the JSE too felt the pain

But the index was supported by commodities and the banking sector gain.

China tightly locked down her cities until the Corona virus was gone

And they flaunted their military prowess in the Straits around Taiwan.

Their property market collapsed in a heap as many contractors’ finances failed

And Xi Jinping, for the third time, as the Communist Party Chair prevailed.

The central bank tried accommodative polices to spur the economy to grow a lot more

Let’s hope it works out really well so they can keep buying Kumba’s high grade iron ore.

The Democrats kept the US Senate while the Republicans won back the house

In the mid-terms with no big red wave Donald Trump became the GOP’s own grouse.

NASA changed an asteroid’s course as Dimorphos was smashed into by DART

And the ORION craft launched into space as the Artemis moon mission got its start.

First images from the James Webb Telescope showed up galaxies in a brand new light

And parts of space that even Hubble couldn’t reach were brought clearer into sight.

Boris Johnson made his PM exit and was replaced by Elizabeth Truss

Whose mini budget was globally scorned so she threw the exchequer under the bus.

As Sterling collapsed, Truss was shown the door and her tenure days ended at fifty

And Sunak was brought to 10 Downing Street to oversee a budget a lot more thrifty.

Paddington Bear visited Buckingham Palace to celebrate the Queen’s platinum jubilee

But sadly it was the last time that they’d share marmalade sandwiches and a cup of tea.

We bid farewell to Vangelis, Coolio, Meatloaf and Olivia Newton John

And goodness gracious, no great balls left of fire as Jerry Lee Lewis too was gone.

Sidney Poitier, William Hurt, and Anne Heche performed their last

While Johnny Fever, Jessica Fletcher and Hagrid too left this earthly cast.

Bob Saget’s surprise passing left the hearts of “Full House” fans ripped and torn

While Shinzo Abe was assassinated and we saw the final leg spin of Shane Warne.

Kuli Roberts and DJ Dimplez will no longer dazzle and entertain

And we won’t hear Jeremy Mansfield over the highveld’s airwaves ever again.

“The Estate’s “Siyanda Sesimani succumbed as a victim of violent crime

And DJs Citi Lyts and Sumbody were separately gunned down in their prime.

We mourned the loss of Patrick Shai and the passing of Riky Rick

And they’ll want us all to remember that mental illness also means you’re sick.

It was another tough year and maybe you’ll remember stories that were reported

Like the tennis one about Djokovic when from Australia he was deported.

Chris Rock’s comments on Jayda’s follicles weren’t quite the stuff of a Will Smith rap

And inspired the Fresh Prince to storm the stage and deliver a mighty big face slap.

Top Gun took off at the box office and Lieutenant Maverick had the last word

And the court heard the juicy details in the case of Johnny Depp versus Amber Heard.

Ben Bernanke won a Nobel prize and Judge Zondo became justice chief

And in June we ditched our COVID masks much to everyone’s relief.

The North West received their donkey carts and some broke down on the first day

And Phala Phala’s dollar bill millions went unreported when thieved away.

Loadshedding gets its annual mention after we experienced blackout stage six

With the saddest news of all, that it could still take two years to fix.

Hurricanes and typhoons ravaged the globe with widespread devastation

With Monsoon rains leaving floods covering a third of the Pakistan nation.

Temperatures soared over forty as Europeans suffered through a heat wave

But COP27 came up short on how the planet we’ll eventually save.

KZN too was flooded with buildings and bridges washed away

And memories of the loved ones lost, will forever with us stay.   

Beijing held the winter Olympics to be the first host of the hot one and the cold

And at the Birmingham games, SA won medals with seven of them bright gold.

Qatar hosted the soccer world cup and the kick-off was greeted with a cheer

But the fans were left a little enraged when the plug was pulled on stadium beer.

Banyana Banyana triumphed at WAFCON and winning the cup was oh so sweet

But we couldn’t hide our faces when Rassie ranted out another referee tweet.

The new year is a time to chase your dreams and bucket-list goals

With the roads to all of our futures free from escalating e-tolls.

No doubt there’s a story missing and one could always think of one or two more

But let’s pause right there and spare a thought for Charlize’s dwindling forty-four.

Clement Clarke Moore’s famous poem has been beaten up in this rhyme 

So let’s twist his “Visit from St Nicholas” words for the very, very last time:

“But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight, 

A great festive season to all, and to all a good-night."